My Makeup Walls

Hey guys, how are you today?  Hopefully doing well 🙂

Today, I’m feeling inspired to write about makeup.

Most people would probably be surprised to know this about me, but I love makeup.  A lot.  I actually adore makeup.  When I was a teenager, I used to play with makeup all the time.  My mom got me into it when I was 12, and I’ve basically been wearing it ever since.

I don’t wear much now – I’m opting for a natural face as much as possible, while my hormones balance out, and my skin is more sensitive.  Most days, I go makeup-free.  If I have some blemishes or scars that are making me a bit insecure one day, I’ll put on concealer where needed.  If I’m going out somewhere and want to look nicer, I’ll use eye makeup.  The amount depends on the level of “nice” I want to look, which usually relates to the level of “nice” the place I’m going is.

I miss the days though, where I’d wear more makeup.  My eyes would be fully done, and I’d get compliments every day.  I’d wear powder and blush, lip stuff constantly, and always have my eyes popping and shining brightly.

Since getting married though, I don’t like to as much.  Lip stuff just makes it weird when I kiss Ken.  He ends up getting it all over his lips, and while he doesn’t mind and usually just laughs while wiping it off, it makes me feel self-conscious, and a little guilty.  Same with powders – they come off on clothes.  I hate giving him a hug, and seeing a smudge of makeup left on his shirt.  Again, he doesn’t even notice, or mind when I point it out, but it makes me feel bad.

So, I stick with concealers, and lip/eye stuff if we’re going out.  He’s not much of a kiss-in-public type guy, so I can wear lip stuff then.

I often browse around the internet, looking for post topics and inspiration, research for my books, etc.  In my browsing, I often come across makeup articles and tutorials.  You know the ones – where this girl (usually one you wish you looked like, cuz damn those cheek bones are incredible!) shows how she flawlessly puts on makeup like it’s no big deal, says it’s “easy” and “anyone can do it.”

I’m always left feeling a mix of two things:

1) Inspired to try it; maybe it’s not that hard; I could/should try it.

2) She’s already gorgeous without the makeup – there’s no way I’ll end up looking that good; what if it only works on faces made for people to look at; I’m not that good with makeup; I don’t have the money to buy makeup to play around with all the time; what would my guys think, especially if I messed it up, or worse, think I look good when I really look hideous.

The latter arguments always win out, and I’m left feeling depressed, having buried my fragile, budding self-confidence with a heaping dose of self-deprecation.  Not healthy, but still the reality.

 I'm Nothing

I miss makeup.  I miss being confident enough to try it.  I hate the realization that I’m less confident now than I was in High School.  I want to be more confident now, dammit.  Why shouldn’t I be?  God had blessed me with an amazing husband, food in our bellies and a roof over our heads, goofy dogs and even goofier friends.

Why does makeup break me?  Why is it, that when I put that eye-liner pencil up to my lids, my hand starts trembling, and I imagine such horrible things happening?  Things like failing.  Like realizing I’m someone who should wear a bag over her head, so she doesn’t inflict her hideous face on the people around her.  Like people thinking badly of her, for one reason or another.

 Ariel shame sad

Which leads into, why should I care what other people think?  Why would anyone’s negative opinion be enough to stop me from doing what makes me happy?  Especially when that something is simply wearing a bit of makeup.  Not even drag-queen status makeup – just more than the minimal amount I settle for now.

 Too much makeup little girl

Why should I settle?  I’m the only one making myself settle.  The fact is, I don’t ever get negativity when I wear makeup.  I get attention.  A lot of attention.  And since I’m afraid of attention, that’s a bad thing in my mind.

It shouldn’t be.  I should wear makeup if I want to.  I should have fun, experiment, and let myself be brave.  Kind of silly, really – feeling brave for wearing makeup.

 This is Serious Business

Still, in my timid little mind, that’s the equivalent to knocking down a few brick walls on my own.  I erected them – I have to knock them down.  I’m the only one stopping myself.

I just wish I wasn’t so harsh and hard on myself.

I don’t have to look like the beautiful girls on YouTube – the fact is, I never will.  They were blessed with beauty, and I wasn’t.  That doesn’t mean I can’t have fun and play, right?  I can be happy too, right?  I hope so.  Because I’m going to start playing with makeup again, and it will either be really really good, or really really bad.  We’ll see.

 Nervous Chewing Gum

Do you ever struggle with this type of issue?  What do you think about makeup?



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